Career Tacking

On occasion I'm known to visit certain internet forums to discuss my work, and recently a question came up about a technical aspect of the particular camber to my career path. I believe a similar affair arose in the mid 20th century to a great many "liberal" folk in the moving picture industry. I regret to say that the trials and tribulations of John Q. Film are a great deal more sophisticated than the rubbish I've been put through.

And as you've waited so patiently, the post:

I'm embarrassed to say that none of the species I have "discovered" have been properly documented (i.e. in a reputable Journal). It's a whole story I'd rather not go into, sufficient to say that my particular brand of research, as they have phrased it, "...raises the hairs on the back of the neck of the scientific community." I've also received numerous calls from groups such as PETA, so much that I believe they must be in some sort of alliance, hence I am essentially blackballed from any sort of "official" publications. Naturally this put me into quite an unfulfilled state for some time, until I learned a bit about web 2.0 and self publishing-- and so Rejection begot Bloglantis! I've always thought that private research yielded more interesting results, so my exile has actually been for the best. Of course, some people take these things personally-- a few "former" colleagues now refuse to speak to me, but I'm hardly interested in people as "shallow" as that-- after all, it's called "deep sea research"!

With that out of the way, yes, I have discovered many the outlandish sea giant, most without names as of yet (I'm hesitant to apply any sort of "standard" such as latin genus-species-etc when I have no reason to) but my spiral notebooks are full of whales with strange horn protrusions, sharks with odd numbered fins, etc. I believe I may have a few photos-- obviously I have more than spiral-bound etchings, but often I am too preoccupied with other measurement equipment to take a snapshot. I've said this before, but I cannot imagine a more rewarding job.

I believe the saying "Rules are meant to be broken" holds doubletrue for the advancement of science-- not only should you disobey any prior established method, but also run against any sort of common sense to speak of. Floundering about at unimaginable depths with nothing but a mayonaise jar can yield astounding results-- just think of Philippe Bouchet!

Unconventionally yours-- Randy

The Most Dangerous Creature of the Deep

McHale's NAVY what a trying pair of weeks it has been. Never before have my portholes felt such like prison bars. Make no mistake Blogosphere, it's truly a modern day miracle that I'm alive to blog these abominable events. I feel that perhaps I've earned the status of a sort of Neo-Grecian God. Similar to the Christian's St. Michael-- Randy Balma, scientific archangel of the deep, destroyer of nettlesome teenagers!

Well give it a little while to "sink" in before you totally dismiss it.

I believe you'll recall from our last correspondence (or if not, simply scroll down-- the entries are ordered in reverse-chronological sequence) that I was to be paired up with some unwashed ruffian so as to attempt to physically drive some substance of education into his head before the state could shrug it's proverbial shoulders and let the "beached whale" be (not that I condone that*-- whales are beautiful creatures)

Witness the simpleton ask me YET AGAIN the purpose of the extinguisher, "Because fire doesn't burn underwater"! My god, I've never been so close to striking someone as then!

I wont bore you with the details of the rest of my imprisonment with this softhead (and too, I'd rather not relive it), needless to say it has given me a rather chipper outlook henceforth-- I don't think anything could be quite as awful as that.

Onward and upward-- Randy

*Have you heard of the dolts that attempted to blow one of my fallen comrades-of-the-deep to pieces because they didn't care for it's odor? Thankfully whales don't vaporize, so the numskulls had a bit of a "heavy" rain. I believe that's called "the last laugh"

Deep Sea Research-- Dive In (with a submersible)

I've been getting a lot of flak for my previous post on undersea cuisine, and I'd just like to take this opportunity to state FOR THE BLOG RECORD that I am firmly AGAINST harming any and all undersea creatures.

Well, that's not entirely true. To be quite frank, I'll twist a few nipples if it means scientific advancement. But I've never taken pleasure in it-- unless it was EXTREME scientific advancement. I think that's something we can all get behind (Post your opinion in the COMMENTS section, appearing below each post).

On an unrelated note, I recently had some spare time to repair some odds and ends on the 'bule.
Note the functional depth gauge! All other components are similarly "locked and loaded", ready for you-know-what. I only wish I could trade knowing glances with someone for a job as well done as this. Alas, sea creatures are historically smug-- I have, as of yet, received ZERO feedback from my brothers of the oceanic variety.

I rarely speak of financial issues here, as they are particularly infamous in my field for "diluting" scientific conclusions, however since I haven't had the opportunity to publish anything recently my sponsors are considering enlisting me in a program that helps unmotivated high school students (read: LOSERS) establish academic interests. It sounds like hogwash, and besides that there isn't room enough for two people in the Haustibule (It was engineered in Switzerland-- the Swiss are known for their distaste of any non-aquatic companion, as evidenced by the decreasing number of their native citizens)

Needless to say, I've been kicking, screaming, and begging all the way (by means of telecommunication) but I fear I may have to take more unconventional countermeasures soon. Science backs down for nothing!

Are you familiar with those NAVY recruitment ads where they ask, "If your life was a book, would anyone want to read it?" Well in the Deep Sea research field, it would go something like this, "If your life was a movie, would it be a buddy picture? And would your partner be some half pint jackass that can't act?"

Jesus and Mary that would be so STUPID.-- Randy

Delicacy of the Deep

Gruesome! Mesmerizing! Repulsive! Awe Inspiring!

I am unable to fully comprehend what I've just seen. One part schoolyard fight, one part Nutcracker on Ice. The sharks were merciless, yet I was immensely attracted to their graceful movements (and, too, their own NATURAL curves!) It's no wonder sharks are the most popular and feared rulers of the undersea world!

The battle began like to many others from my observations-- that is, with a BANG!

Indeed, in an instant a "sea" of sharks coagulated around the lonesome Wal, "baiting" him to make the first move with their seductive flap of gill-- and move the giant did!

He took a swift plunge (and I, suspecting the maneuver only the instant before it's occurrence, through mere oceanic instinct alone, deployed my recently equipped tow cable into the creature's thick blubber-- firmly asserting my companionship to the end) and we shot into the murky darkness that is the DEEP SEA.

10, 20, 30 fathoms below the surface! The whale was racing-- truly for its life! The side effect being my own demise-- submersibles can only go so far before they are mashed down to pancakes (not literally-- regrettably this is one dish the sea cannot produce!)

At the 100 fathom mark, my gauges shattered (as well as my ears, as they began the bleed) and I was left wondering whether any self respecting journal would publish research neglecting these two integral data components. I persevered, for the personal scientific enlightenment alone-- and, too, as I neglected to craft a cable release into the modestly fashioned drawline!

The sharks sensed my fear, as they do of all creatures, whether personified or otherwise (another area for research!) and made their counter to the whale's dive.

One by one they took passes at the "titantic" belly, shortly ripping it asunder. The barbarians began devouring the behemoth's entrails while it struggled to escape (a futile prospect, thankfully) and I saw no reason not to join in and "get em while they're hot"!

Although I've had little experience in raw whale meat, I can state with certainty that this is the ONLY way to enjoy it-- or at least, that is what I thought until I came to a second realization: the sharks were easily getting their fill-- they would have no appetite for a second course.

In no time, my naked body was again joined with my first love, the sea, as well as elbow deep in my second love, live whale intestine!

I had my fill the likes of which I fear I shan't best. I only wish the whale could have experienced the likewise (he declined the liver).

Your ever intrepid critic-- Randy